I suppose every person has some sort of expertise. Some have
memorized random baseball stats. Some know every line of every episode of
Gilmore Girls. Some are experts in finding the perfect route around
traffic. I know a man who has memorized the entire Bible, and can start
at any point or reference you give him. I’ve had many surgeries,
and the people who performed them definitely had skills. My special expertise, however,
surpasses all of those. I am the World’s Leading Expert and Holder of the
Peep Knowledge.
And this is your lucky day, because I intend to share my secrets with you, my peepy peasants.
The Rules of Peepage
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| A pile of evil. |
We
shall start with the most basic, but vitally important of the Peep
Rules: Do not eat the chicks. Only the bunnies are pure and sinless.
The chicks are evil. They will poop in your stomach. They will cause
you to commit unspeakable acts, such as wearing white before Easter,
driving the speed limit in the fast lane, forgetting to “spring
forward,” and doing the Chicken Dance. Ward against their spell -- it
is a mighty one. “All who partake of the marshmallow chick will not
enter the kingdom of heaven.” (I Susiekiel 4:7) Take heed.
Next
Peep rule: No flavored peeps! One must only consume the bunnies, and
they must never be of any “flavor.” One may occasionally partake of the
new chocolate-covered peep (bunny only), but never, never, never be
drawn into consuming a chocolate, strawberry, gingerbread, or any other
flavored peep. This is an abomination. Thus sayeth’ the Suz.
Rule
of Peep Order. The order of Peep preference, by color, is as follows,
with no room for variation: purple, pink, yellow, blue, green. Do not
partake of the orange peep, as they are a crime against nature, and
should be heartily shunned.
There is a proper method or ritual for Peep-eating:
- Hold the bunny facing you. Smile at him.
- Chomp off the ear on the right (his left ear).
- Whisper a kind word while he can hear, and then chomp off the remaining ear.
- Eat the top of his head, to just above his eyeballs.
- Smile at him again; this is the last thing he will see, so make it good.
- Nibble off the right eye, then the left, in quick succession. Eat his nose.
- Eat the rest of his faceless head.
- Consume his body in three bites. No more, no less.
There is to be NO deviation from this routine. Bad things can happen. Do not doubt me.
Don’t
bother trying to call or email “Mecca,” aka “Holy Ground,” aka the
Peeps factory in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to ask (beg, plead, or grovel)
for a tour. A hideous troll by the name of Martha lives there, and will
flat-out turn you down, or try to shuffle you over to a tour of the
nearby crayola factory. No thanks. NOT COOL, MARTHA, YA FUN-HATER.
There’s really no reason to discuss how I know these things. No, I’m
not still bitter. I just clench my jaw like this sometimes.
Many
enjoy a slightly “cured” texture to their peep. This can be achieved by
opening one end of the peeps box, and letting them sit on your desk for
a few days (if you can stand the temptation). Just a day or two, and
you’ll have the perfect texture for your favorite crunch. This takes
some practice, so don’t expect to get it just right the first time. But
believe you’ll do it, and your Peepy dreams will come true.
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| Use the handy arrows to determine that the blue peep is a male. |
All
peeps sold in the wild are male peeps. You can often discern their
little peep genitalia by looking at the front lower section of the
bunnies. You just have to examine the package (pun totally intended)
prior to purchase. Some prefer less-endowed bunnies, so choose
carefully. If you are having a rough time believing this one, I assure
you it’s true. I also know you’ll all check. You may want to purchase a
tiny latex glove.
Occasionally on the Interwebs-n-tubes you will see
sick and wrong people who are doing terrifying experiments on Peeps.
This is permissible for the chicks, but NEVER the bunnies. The chicks
are asking for it by existing.
Please, let me know if you have any Peeps questions. I’m here for you, young grasshoppers.
--Susie “The Goddess of Peeps” South
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